I have a slight problem with my long term memory. I've noticed that I have many less childhood memories than anyone else I've met. Not only childhood, but even from like five years ago. I feel like I do remember things but I don't feel the memories ... if you know what I mean. It's like they're not real or very vague or they don't belong to me or something.
But every once in a while, very rarely, something triggers a memory that I really feel, really experience. Like right now for example. I was sitting at my desk working. The radio was on quietly in the background. I'm concentrated on my work but my attention is distracted for a moment by a song that comes on. It's Ironic by Alanis Morissette. And suddenly I remember when my sister and I acquired the Jagged Little Pill album on cassette. We played those songs over and over and over. I remember the feeling of sitting in the alcove upstairs and hearing the notes of the song floating through the air in the house, probably coming from one of our bedrooms. I remember that my parents liked that song too, and my dad would call my sister and I his jagged little pill-s. And I am filled with a powerful sadness. Not in the memory but in the present, remembering that memory. I feel sad that these simple happy moments are gone, never to be retrieved. I'm suddenly aware of all this time that has passed - I just can't believe it, and my eyes are filled with tears. It's totally overwhelming.
This makes me think that my memory problem probably has nothing to do with a suppressed traumatic experience, or a brain malfunction. I think the reason why I don't remember things well is due to a protective mechanism - if I were to always remember things so intensely and accurately I'd probably be crying all the time.
-Holly
Do you remerber when we use to take the bus from riv.-des-prairies, stop at that little restaurant near my work on st-hubert et jean-talon and have lunch after your kinder-garden class. Then i would bring you to work with me. We did that for a all school year. NOW don't cry.LOVE mommy xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI can relate. I find I do exactly the same thing. I'll hear a song, smell a smell or even see an old fashioned playground and my eyes will fill with tears and my heart aches - longing to be back there in the past with my brothers and sisters when things seemed so simple.
ReplyDelete@ Maria: Love you xoxox
ReplyDelete@Leisa: Hi! Thanks for the comment. That is exactly how I feel too, but I can't help but wonder why? I mean, I am very happy in my life now, with lots of exciting things to look forward to. I guess a loss is a loss and in this case it's like grieving moments in time...or something... Well, I'm off to read your blog now =)
I understand exactly what you mean. But try to think of it this way: you are here now to make new memories to cherish :)
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